My dear tiny Tot,
In the length of time I have spent being pregnant, this is by far the most enjoyable thing I have had to do, and has been my most anticipated task. I don’t even know why I did not think of doing this ever since. But it’s better late than never, isn’t it?
I’m supposed to describe, in this paragraph, how it feels to have you growing inside me. For someone who earned a living as a scriptwriter and content creator for television, you would think I have all the powers of description at my disposal. Well, I did, until this. Words fail me in describing what I feel towards you; I love you fiercely, I am in awe of your presence, of the obvious miracle that you are turning out to be- and all inside this unworthy body of mine. I will die 300 times before I hurt you, and I don’t even know you. I felt this way from the minute I suspected you were in me, and I have felt it more strongly as the days rolled into months. One night when I felt pains that seemed like contractions, I panicked, thinking I was having a miscarriage, not just that I was losing something precious, but that you were in trouble. And instead of praying to God to ease my pain, I began to shout aloud in prayer, all the dreams I had for you and how your life would not end in that hotel room in Abuja. ME, praying! Turns out I had UTI, and God heard my prayers. And when I saw you flitting around on the scan, my joy, my happiness was indescribable. You were, and are, as fit as a fiddle, and you looked like you were having fun. I love your ‘kicks’, and I worry when I know that my sadness or my anger has made you still for that day or that moment. Gosh, my precious, I could go on and on.
When you finally make your grand entrance and you’re big enough to go out with me, and understand it, I hope we have a lot of fun together, travelling, going swimming, eating out, going to the movies,playing. On a perfect day we would have a good breakfast and then go to the amusement park for a swim, and some fun activity like shooting water guns, or the water slide, or whatever you want. When we are thoroughly exhausted, we’ll go to a nice restaurant and get some delicious treat as lunch, before we go home to just flop in front of the tv. Or we could go shopping for nice story books, then see a movie and then have a nice treat. And during holidays, we can travel to lovely, exotic places. I will show you Zanzibar and Nairobi, we’ll see Spongebob in Hyde Park, and discover Disneyland Paris, together.
Oh, I pray for you daily, my Love. I hope that all is well with you physically, and me materially, so I can provide for you. I worry that at this time I have nothing to even offer you and that I am bringing you into the problems that I have. I worry that you will be born in someone else’s house, a place where I am already a burden, that I will still have no job to support you when you are born, that I will fail in providing materially for you. I worry that I will transfer my physical affliction to a poor, helpless innocent, that you will be born, already at a disadvantage, before you can even see. I worry about what will happen when you begin to realise that other children have two parents but you have only one. I feel somewhat angry at myself for not making the situation better – not that I could. I worry that I am too human, too fallible to be the perfect guide you need.
Despite all this, I have high hopes for you, darling. I pray first and foremost, you find happiness in life, early on. That you are not consumed with thoughts of self-sustenance that you forget how to be thankful. I pray you find love, in someone other than your family, and that you both hold on to it forever. I pray you walk down a career path that you love and are successful in it. May you be your own person, and may God be your compass. But most of all may He show me the best way(s) to point you down this path.
Speaking of me, I wonder what sort of mother I’ll be.Me, with all my failings, my flaws, my shortcomings, my imperfections. I want to be a good one, but who is a good mother? And who is judging? To me, I think it is when you are there for your child, to wipe the tears, to share in the victories, to teach the child what you know, and to admit that which those you don’t. These I’ll try my best to do, Sweetie, even though I make that vow with fear and trembling.
I love you, Baby, and I’m anxiously waiting with open arms.
Mum ( I can’t believe that’s me, soon!) XOXO.