My fears came to life a few days ago. I reconnected with an old friend, a guy I refer to as my ex but with whom I have never shared any physical intimacy. I like him a great deal. Mostly because we had such intense conversations.
Over the time I was away, he seemed to develop an even stronger affection for me. Now he calls regularly and tries to see me often. If there is anyone who sees into my heart it is him.
A few days ago he was here and things got a little heated-kisses, touching- I dont know how I mustered the self control to make him stop before it became dangerous.
Last night I tried to broach the subject with him. He said he loved me and I asked if he would love me if I had a terminal illness. He said ‘what sort of talk is that,do you have a terminal illness?’ Then he went on to say he could only be compassionate if ever something like that happens but it would be a different kind of compassion if I was self destructing and putting other people’s lives in danger because of my illness. He then described his experience with people living with HIV – he works for a foundation that handles community health- and how they could easily become depressed and start to self-destruct because of the restrictions to physical intimacy they have to live with and the (fear of) stigmatization from those they know.
After this very clinical analysis I couldn’t tell him anything anymore. I was scared that he would be angry with me for not letting him know earlier on. For allowing any level of intimacy albeit safe. I just said to him afterwards that I would never sleep with him because I did not think our relationship will work. I knew, I know I have hurt him but I cannot help it
I will not put anyone I care about in the situation I am in now. Hell, I would not put someone I DONT care about in this situation. I realised last night that I may just have to avoid becoming close to anyone especially as I am so afraid of ‘coming out of the closet’. Already subconsciously I push men away but I never thought I would have to do it with someone I care about and already know so well. I cannot explain how much this hurts me primarily because I am a person who attaches a lot of importance to feelings. But this is the reality of the illness I am dealing with. And the burden I have to live with till, unfortunately,I die.