I just feel I should write this down just so I dont forget.
I got my heart broken last night by the guy I spoke of before in the previous post. We don’t see very often because of his committments ( another story) so you can imagine my excitement when we had a date for yesterday evening at a restaurant in Ikeja.
I had a meeting in Ikeja and I decided to wait for him to come from work at a restaurant my friend works in nearby. My friend is a young, bubbly girl I met on twitter who I decided to take under my wing, especially as she seemed so naive and vulnerable in her free spirited nature.
To cut a long story short, before he came I received yet another email from my boss changing the terms of our employment contract AGAIN, so I was a bit sad because the new terms were way too steep. Anyway, I waited about 3 or so hours before he came. I didnt expect him to kiss me or anything because I noticed lately that he’s wary of PDA. When he settled down I wanted to tell him about the job issues as I just needed to talk but in his characteristic way he rationalised it and dismissed it. Then my friend came over to my table and everything changed.
They hit it off because like I said she has a vibrant, although overly effusive personality, and because they both drink and smoke ( I don’t). But as the evening went on they began to get expressive, slightly uncomfortably so for me, they drank with straws from the same glass, she hugged him and sat on his lap, he danced with her, etc. It became their event and I was just watching. Once in a while they would address me of course, or at least that was how it felt. But I guess the whole thing got to me because he was doing all the things with her that he wouldnt do with me, and at times when he even held my hand or put his arm around me he would take it off fast, especially if she looked. He liked her.
I assumed that when we had had drinks and were ready to leave he would gravitate towards me again. Though he did kiss me when everyone had left the room, when they came back in he ‘disengaged’, and when we were done at the restaurant he saw me off to my taxi, hugged me and walked off even after I called him back asking why he was leaving me. My friend, however,he gave a ride so she could hook up with her boyfriend down the road.
I won’t go as far as saying anything happened between them but for that brief moment when he hugged me and walked away I felt like nothing. Nothing. My mind went to all the things I am not, all my flaws, all my demons. It hurt that a man who has known you for a while and professes to love you would almost totally disregard your feelings in public like that. I am not even upset at the girl’s crossing the line because in truth I did not expect much from her. But I guess what hurts the most is that at the back of my mind I feel I might as well let them get together; I have a poor physical offering to give him so what’s the point anyway?
As an update, my office had to accept my terms of service. I sent an email drawing the line, albeit emotionally. My boyfriend/crush/lover(?) also called me telling me he was coming over. When he heard how I sounded he asked if I was mad at him, I asked if I should be. He said I should because he allowed me go yesterday. He then said he was coming over. He called about 30 minutes after that apologising that he could not make it because of his ‘committments’ again. At this point I told him I should be wise enough by now to know my priorities and that his visit or lack of it, was not one. He wanted to know what was wrong and I just told him I was tired. Of everything.
I get very lonely in this office hence my need for companionship. Unfortunately I cannot afford to go out as much as I would need. But that said, I cannot bear to be heartbroken again. I have not felt so bad in this way in a very long time.
But then what else is new!