This next post was supposed to be about my next visit to LUTH and the events therefrom but unfortunately it is not. Something happened last that has to come first.
I cannot tell a lie, you can choose to live positively inspite of whatever problems life throws at you, but it is not easy. Everyday is a struggle, a constant battle to scoop up the good and ignore the bad. So when something or someone just comes to fuck up that positive rhythm that you have managed to build up it is crushing.
A man I used to call a friend came to my house yesterday and forcibly had sex with me. Unprotected sex. Beyond taking advantage of me and of our friendship he totally destabilized me. If I had a pill that would kill me instantly, I would be dead by this morning. I just wanted to die, even though I did not want to leave my daughter. I wept bitterly.
I had allowed him come to my house for two reasons; one , he was an old friend. I have known him for about 8 or so years. Secondly, I was a bit scared as I was the only one in my building, everyone else was away, and no thanks to my inconsiderate landlady, artisans had been trooping in and out of the house to fix things and a few of them had keys to the gate. I just thought that if anyone was watching and saw a man come in the evening they would be dissuaded from doing anything. I also thought it would be good to have company as I had been in my house almost everyday since I resigned and I really was becoming a bit depressed. He was not coming over to sleep or anything, just a visit. And these were my mistakes.
He came and we were watching the Yoruba movie channel and laughing at the subtitles when he just grabbed me out of the blues and attempted to kiss me. I tried to push him away but he held on tight. I thought he would just kiss me and let go but he started fumbling with my bra my trousers. When he raised himself over me I begged him to stop, not to have sex without protection, anything to make him think, but to no avail. He rammed into me roughly, biting my lips, my breasts. My cries of pain and my pleas were ignored. I relaxed when I realised he was going to achieve what he set out to but that did not make the ordeal any shorter. He was like an animal.When he was done, I had bruises all over, my lips were tender and swollen and I could tell I had little tears in my vagina because of the piercing pains there. But it was my heart and my spirit that were broken…
I just opened the door for him to leave when he was done, ignoring his attempts to hold me. There are no words for that sort of thing. When I was alone I broke down.
People make mistakes everyday, they trust the wrong people or make the wrong choices, why do my mistakes have to be so devastating. I only wanted someone to talk to, a person I thought was my friend but look how that turned out. How much stronger do I have to be in this life? And why is it that I am hopeless at detecting when people are only pretending to care for me? Who can I trust? Those were the thoughts in my mind yesterday. I slept by about 3am this morning but did not get out of bed till 4 pm today. I just wanted to roll up and die. Only the fact that I have a daughter who depends on me kept me alive.
More practically, I wondered if I would be reinfected, if by any chance he was HIV positive. I also wondered what would happen if I were much younger than this? What if this happened to a younger lady, or a teenager who prior to this had no exposure to information about HIV, What would be her options? Where could she go and be treated with care and respect? It is a practical and relevant question because if it could happen to me it can happen to a younger, less informed girl. Maybe we should be looking at setting up trendy, youth-oriented counselling clinics in schools and malls. This infection has to be stopped. I also wondered if the guy would be infected because of his selfish and stupid act. I do not wish that for him or anyone; not everyone can handle it,plus he has children for whom he is the only surviving parent.
My doctor said I should not worry about reinfection as the drugs for HIV cover both strains of HIV if I was infected with another. And that the possibility of infection by one exposure was slim. That calmed me down.
But honestly, I am tired of fighting. In this battle there are no allies, only enemies. I am tired, I swear.