Life, Where’s The Rewind Button?

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This next post was supposed to be about my next visit to LUTH and the events therefrom but unfortunately it is not. Something happened last that has to come first.

I cannot tell a lie, you can choose to live positively inspite of whatever problems life throws at you, but it is not easy. Everyday is a struggle, a constant battle to scoop up the  good and ignore the bad. So when something or someone just comes to fuck up that positive rhythm that you have managed to build up it is crushing.

A man I used to call a friend came to my house yesterday and forcibly had sex with me. Unprotected sex. Beyond taking advantage of me and of our friendship he totally destabilized me. If I had a pill that would kill me instantly, I would be dead by this morning. I just wanted to die, even though I did not want to leave my daughter. I wept bitterly.

I had allowed him come to my house for two reasons; one , he was an old friend. I have known him for about 8 or so years. Secondly, I was a bit scared as I was the only one in my building, everyone else was away, and no thanks to my inconsiderate landlady, artisans had been trooping in and out of the house to fix things and a few of them had keys to the gate. I just thought that if anyone was watching and saw a man come in the evening they would be dissuaded from doing anything. I also thought it would be good to have company as I had been in my house almost everyday since I resigned and I really was becoming a bit depressed. He was not coming over to sleep or anything, just a visit. And these were my mistakes.

He came and we were watching the Yoruba movie channel and laughing at the subtitles when he just grabbed me out of the blues and attempted to kiss me. I tried to push him away but he held on tight. I thought he would just kiss me and let go but he started fumbling with my bra my trousers. When he raised himself over me I begged him to stop, not to have sex without protection, anything to make him think, but to no avail. He rammed into me roughly, biting my lips, my breasts. My cries of pain and my pleas were ignored. I relaxed when I realised he was going to achieve what he set out to but that did not make the ordeal any shorter. He was like an animal.When he was done, I had bruises all over, my lips were tender and swollen and I could tell I had little tears in my vagina because of the piercing pains there. But it was my heart and my spirit that were broken…

I just opened the door for him to leave when he was done, ignoring his attempts to hold me. There are no words for that sort of thing. When I was alone I broke down.

People make mistakes everyday, they trust the wrong people or make the wrong choices, why do my mistakes have to be so devastating. I only wanted someone to talk to, a person I thought was my friend but look how that turned out. How much stronger do I have to be in this life? And why is it that I am hopeless at detecting when people are only pretending to care for me? Who can I trust? Those were the thoughts in my mind yesterday. I slept by about 3am this morning but did not get out of bed till 4 pm today. I just wanted to roll up and die. Only the fact that I have a daughter who depends on me kept me alive.

More practically, I wondered if I would be reinfected, if by any chance he was HIV positive. I also wondered what would happen if I were much younger than this? What if this happened to a younger lady, or a teenager who prior to this had no exposure to information about HIV, What would be her options? Where could she go and be treated with care and respect? It is a practical and relevant question because if it could happen to me it can happen to a younger, less informed girl. Maybe we should be looking at setting up trendy, youth-oriented counselling clinics in schools and malls. This infection has to be stopped. I also wondered if the guy would be infected because of his selfish and stupid act. I do not wish that for him or anyone; not everyone can handle it,plus he has children for whom he is the only surviving parent.

My doctor said I should not worry about reinfection as the drugs for HIV cover both strains of HIV if I was infected with another. And that the possibility of infection by one exposure was slim. That calmed me down.

But honestly, I am tired of fighting. In this battle there are no allies, only enemies. I am tired, I swear.

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32 responses »

  1. Awwww….sis, I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this. That was such an awful experience. I don’t know know if anything I can say will help. ((Hugs))

    I lost track of your blog. Glad u left a comment on mine today.

  2. Heartbreaking. A home should be a safe place to rest with family and friends. Its tragic that one has to add “Trojan horse” to the list of things to worry about while at home. I would not be as insensitive as to suggest that I know how u feel but I can figure that a general level of fatigue, both mental and physical, is taking hold.

    I have always upheld your story as a personal symbol of strength and tenacity. Recent events have evidently been especially hard but just as always, im sure you will come back swinging.

    Not much of a religious man but will say a prayer for you before I go to sleep tonight.

    Keep your head up.

  3. Its sad and heartbreaking that a friend would do that and break the trust you had. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
    You are a really strong lady.
    Plenty of hugs.

  4. Am so sorry, I am short of words. You are in my prayers. God will wipe the tears and embrace you with his overwhelming love and peace.

    Bear hugs, dear.

  5. In your house?! In your gaddamn house?!!!! Some people have huge guts! Goodness gracious! this makes me so angry fa!
    U are stronger than you know…….obviously!
    I cant even believe you let him go without inflicting body harm to him….he really has guts!
    phewwwww….there is nothing I will say now that you dont know already, so I’ll just say, “keep being strong and God bless you real good!”

    • Toin, you’re uch a sweetheart. You practically commented on all my posts i wordpress. Thank you for your kind words and your time.

  6. wow..i am speechless..so so sorry dear, no one deserves to be treated like that, as everyone has said, you are a strong woman, just keep moving if you cant run, just walk or crawl but keep moving..prayers coming your way

  7. I don’t know what to say honestly but wherever you can draw strength from even if it’s for the sake of your daughter, please do. So sorry for what happened and I hope you pull through.

  8. choked up is an understatement right now… my heart goes out to you. Pls continue to be strong for your daughter. I pray that God will vindicate you. Amen
    Things like this piss me off… Human beings are some of the vilest…..ugh.
    #Done

  9. Hugs MsJoie. Hugs. I lack words. PleAse don’t give up. pls hold on tight to that hope that has kept you strong all this while.

    I’m thinking police but alas that doesn’t feel useful.

  10. I don’t have enough words. Wow. How absolutely horrifying that you had to go through this. I was so heartbroken to read your post. You are so brave for sharing, and I hope you are on your way to recovery. ((hugs))

  11. This is just so sad, anybody’s worst nightmare. So sorry you had to go through that but have you thought of taking actions against this animal?
    Let me know if you need any sort of help.

    Please know there’s a Supreme being watching over you even when you don’t feel His presence. All will be well in no time, just keep your head up. And please, never give room to negative or suicidal thoughts, please.

    Cheers

  12. Wow, my heart literally cut when I read this. I am short of words dear. I really am. If you need someone to talk to, send me a mail yenidisu@yahoo.com and I’ll call you.

    I don’t know you but I feelnthe need to be there for you

  13. Don’t even know what to say… How heartbreaking…I am so sorry this happened to you but know it wasn’t your fault in any way. *reaching out and giving you a big hug*

  14. Oh dear! Please accept yet another virtual hug from me. Found you through Ms Sting’s blog. Sometimes the fight for life would appear to be a losing battle if one felt they were alone. Please know that you are not alone. You are in my heart and in my prayers. These may not be much but to know that someone out there is concerned about you makes the battle a teeny-bit easier to bear.

  15. I’m so sorry you have to go through all this and meet people like him that are a sory excuse for humanity. Thinking about you and your daughter and praying for you two. Things must get better. Keep being strong.

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