When it comes to this blog and this part of my life I am very optimistic and confident. For some reason I am certain that there is a purpose to this journey and my illness is an integral part of it. It is such a strong belief that nothing can convince me that I am wrong. But that is as far as this blog and this illness are concerned.
In my ‘other life’ I have so much self-doubt, so much sadness/unhappiness, pain,anger, hurt. How I can be this person and the other baffles even me. How I can have so many issues:
Why am I so incapable of being in control like a lot of ladies I see around me? People I started years earlier than have things I cannot even dream of. People who could not hold a candle to me in terms of academics are ‘masters of the universe’. And it’s not for my lack of trying…. I wish that I saw one aspect of my life that I was certain things were going smoothly in, but there’s none. It is Joie who is the single mother with a baby daddy who doesn’t give a shit, Joie who is overweight and ballooning, Joie who is unemployed and unemployable (apparently), Joie who is always broke and has no financial base, Joie who gets propositioned or harassed by married, unavailable or unworthy men. And Joie who is HIV+.
Lately, it has bothered me more than before especially in the last few months since I left my job. Truth is that my work and the income therefrom, is my life. I define myself by the work I put out. I take my work very seriously, and consider my efforts a labour of love. The money I earn, and the things they can do for me are very important ways for me to chart my worth, keep score. God knows all this, so why have I been so unlucky with work?
I don’t dare complain because ‘they’ will say ‘why did you leave your job?’ But what was I expected to do? Wake up every morning thinking of an excuse to avoid work, go to the office and do everything but the job I was supposed to be doing? Watch as people were cheated and pushed aside? Not to mention the insults and financial discrepancies.
I work hard but I’ve gotten weird jobs all my life. I’ve never earned a good salary- by any standards. As a matter of fact, I’ve only experienced regular salary payment on 2 jobs. Bosses who had no morals or scruples, etc. People say ‘it’s the same everywhere’, then how do you live with yourself everyday?
I guess I feel blue because things have been bad. So bad that I am anxious about my daughter’s school fees for next term. So bad that I can’t afford my immunity-booster tablets.
On this blog I never doubt that God exists, that He has a plan for me, and that I will see it through. So I am bringing this problems here to share because in my other life I doubt and I question and I see no future anymore.