Is There A Point To All This

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When it comes to this blog and this part of my life I am very optimistic and confident. For some reason I am certain that there is a purpose to this journey and my illness is an integral part of it. It is such a strong belief that nothing can convince me that I am wrong. But that is as far as this blog and this illness are concerned.
In my ‘other life’ I have so much self-doubt, so much sadness/unhappiness, pain,anger, hurt. How I can be this person and the other baffles even me. How I can have so many issues:

Weight issues
Anger issues
Relationship/commitment issues
Work issues
Financial issues

Why am I so incapable of being in control like a lot of ladies I see around me? People I started years earlier than have things I cannot even dream of. People who could not hold a candle to me in terms of academics are ‘masters of the universe’. And it’s not for my lack of trying…. I wish that I saw one aspect of my life that I was certain things were going smoothly in, but there’s none. It is Joie who is the single mother with a baby daddy who doesn’t give a shit, Joie who is overweight and ballooning, Joie who is unemployed and unemployable (apparently), Joie who is always broke and has no financial base, Joie who gets propositioned or harassed by married, unavailable or unworthy men. And Joie who is HIV+.

Lately, it has bothered me more than before especially in the last few months since I left my job. Truth is that my work and the income therefrom, is my life. I define myself by the work I put out. I take my work very seriously, and consider my efforts a labour of love. The money I earn, and the things they can do for me are very important ways for me to chart my worth, keep score. God knows all this, so why have I been so unlucky with work?

I don’t dare complain because ‘they’ will say ‘why did you leave your job?’ But what was I expected to do? Wake up every morning thinking of an excuse to avoid work, go to the office and do everything but the job I was supposed to be doing? Watch as people were cheated and pushed aside? Not to mention the insults and financial discrepancies.

I work hard but I’ve gotten weird jobs all my life. I’ve never earned a good salary- by any standards. As a matter of fact, I’ve only experienced regular salary payment on 2 jobs. Bosses who had no morals or scruples, etc. People say ‘it’s the same everywhere’, then how do you live with yourself everyday?

I guess I feel blue because things have been bad. So bad that I am anxious about my daughter’s school fees for next term. So bad that I can’t afford my immunity-booster tablets.

On this blog I never doubt that God exists, that He has a plan for me, and that I will see it through. So I am bringing this problems here to share because in my other life I doubt and I question and I see no future anymore.

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7 responses »

  1. That is life for you up and downs and trying to tackle one thing at a time. What is your field? I am not one of those people that have connections but at least I can ask my siblings in Nigeria or my parents if they know anyone in their companies hiring…you just never know. Are you business inclined? Like is there anything you can market and sell like baked goods or a professional cleaning service or even market this blog? My ideas are probably asinine because I am not business inclined but I am suggesting anything because I want you to succeed.

  2. I know these sorta days come and it feels all kinds of depressing but hold on ok? I don’t think anyone has it together 24/7. Everyone goes through those days but I promise it won’t always feel like this. There’ll definitely be better days.

    You can take on the issues you have and deal with them as you can. Sting is involved in a weight watchers blog thing so you can join that. Just give yourself time. I hope you’re applying for jobs and making the best of your free time too. I just said a prayer for you so fingers crossed. I hope you get a really good break soon *hugs*

  3. I don’t claim to truly understand what you’re going through by half but I have an idea of how you may be feeling. We all have those days, please just keep your head up and keep moving.

    No word posted here can really make it right or even better but hey, the light will soon come shinning through. Read somewhere that the darkest part of d night is actually the part just before dawn.

    I pray this new month turns out be one filled with testimonies of breakthroughs and open doors for you.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Cheers.

  4. My darling, reading this post is heart wrenching ……..no one can walk in anyone’s shoes so I can only imagine how you feel…please draw from the hope, strength and peace of God….don’t let life issues turn you hopeless….I see a bright future, I see light and I see a testimony. Don’t be broken, sweetheart…..God has got your back…..he’s not only walking with you, he’s carrying you in his arms…saying “just believe, I haven’t let you down before and I can’t ever let you down”……

    My prayers are with you and I know that God has never failed, it’s not in him to fail.

    Jeremiah 32:27 says he’s the God of all flesh, is there anything too hard for him…….and the answer is nothing is too difficult for God…..he makes ways in the wilderness and rivers in the desert…he’s about to do a new thing, he has begun Isaiah 43:16-19

    I’m sending you a big fat bear hug, sugar pie

    Please send me a mail sykikblog@gmail.com or drop your email

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