There is a part of me that wanted to offer an apology for the ‘meltdown’ post (the one before the last): this blog IS meant to give hope and positivity after all, not to add to sorrow. But I decided against it.
While I will do my best to try to educate and inform people about this illness from (my) positive perspectives, I will not shield anyone from the realities of the situation. And one of such realities is that occasionally this is surreal to me, I am overwhelmed, and I break down, and I cry.
I cry when I feel trapped in a situation I cannot control, when I have to get up at the crack of dawn to join a queue, for a treatment/ consultation that may take 4 more hours to come
I break down when I am unable to afford treatment
I am overwhelmed when I have something like a cough or a pain in my chest, etc, and I realise that due to this illness it might not be a cough or a pain in my chest, etc.
I break down because I will never really enter into relationships platonic or otherwise the same way as other non-infected people.
But that’s all once in a while.
Everyone has their own issues, that’s the way God made the world. So I know that just as the attendant issues of being HIV+ affect me, something else affects someone else. We must not dwell on it. We have been allowed our burdens for a reason. My life is to help remove at least one of the reasons that would someone in my position cry. I am committed to that. As a result, I must allow myself to feel the pain and then wipe my tears and move on. When my strength is gone, that’s when I turn to God for His.
This is me moving on.
I feel the need to say to you ‘Please don’t give up/in’. A lot of the time the major battle is in the mind; how you perceive things or how you are forced to see situations. Things can and will change. Hold on. I know I am.