I Couldn’t Bother With A Title


I had intended  to write this post ages ago but I have been so crushed I just could not bring myself to. A few things have happened since then so this post will take up the randomness that I feel.

I need a new life.

I have never really minded having HIV , ever until now. Now I feel like there is really no point in life, in living. This feeling was brought on by a new announcement at  the HIV clinic in October. We no longer have foreign funding for treatment so we have to pay for treatment and checks. The amount might seem a token to a few but when you consider that it is the poor and indigent people that come for treatment at the centre then you see that we are really in trouble with this sickness in Nigeria. Mark my words, HIV will soon become a major problem in this country following this change.

As it is with all misfortune, this news about treatment has been followed by one or two other issues for me. I really do not have the strength to discuss my life on these pages but suffice it to say that this christmas is definitely the blackest ever for me and my family.  I have gone through what has been a terrible time for my family shortly after which I fell very ill. Now a few days after the illness I have been feeling like I am walking through a haze. Like I am experiencing life outside my body. I am half-expecting the  world to end or my own life to end because that is the only way I can express this strange feeling I have been experiencing. I feel no need or desire to eat, to do anything.I just feel like I am waiting … for the end.

If I sound strange and random it is primarily because I feel that way. I think my soul, my spirit is weary.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.


5 responses »

  1. Compliments of the season dear. There’s always day after night and rainbows are only after a storm. You never replied my mails. My prayers are always with you.

    Sending you a big fat bear hug.

  2. Hang in there sis. You are stronger, much stronger than you know. In this your moment of weakness, find solace in the fact that He’ll never leave you nor forsake you. Merry christmas dear

  3. Hey happy new year. trust u had a good holiday. I pray you find greater physical, mental and philosophical peace this year. I wish you the best in all your endeavors and wish more than anything that you remain connected with that inner strength that has brought you this far. The road ahead might be tough but you remain a symbol of strength and tenacity that inspires me everyday.

    It is my honest prayer that even in your toughest moments you are able to reach inward and find a reason to fight; for you, for your daughter and quite frankly for all of us who have come to love and respect you greatly.

    You are not alone. I and a ton of other well meaning people who have read your story stand with you and pray for you everyday. Dont give up on you, dont give up on your daughter and dont give up on us.

    Be assured that no matter the circumstances, you will always have me in the stands wearing my “team Joie” hat and cheering you on.

    If there is ever anything or anyway you think I might be able to help, please do not hesitate to reach out. Im just a click away.

    Salam from your biggest fan


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