I had intended to write this post ages ago but I have been so crushed I just could not bring myself to. A few things have happened since then so this post will take up the randomness that I feel.
I need a new life.
I have never really minded having HIV , ever until now. Now I feel like there is really no point in life, in living. This feeling was brought on by a new announcement at the HIV clinic in October. We no longer have foreign funding for treatment so we have to pay for treatment and checks. The amount might seem a token to a few but when you consider that it is the poor and indigent people that come for treatment at the centre then you see that we are really in trouble with this sickness in Nigeria. Mark my words, HIV will soon become a major problem in this country following this change.
As it is with all misfortune, this news about treatment has been followed by one or two other issues for me. I really do not have the strength to discuss my life on these pages but suffice it to say that this christmas is definitely the blackest ever for me and my family. I have gone through what has been a terrible time for my family shortly after which I fell very ill. Now a few days after the illness I have been feeling like I am walking through a haze. Like I am experiencing life outside my body. I am half-expecting the world to end or my own life to end because that is the only way I can express this strange feeling I have been experiencing. I feel no need or desire to eat, to do anything.I just feel like I am waiting … for the end.
If I sound strange and random it is primarily because I feel that way. I think my soul, my spirit is weary.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.