Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

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It is amazing how sex is a relatively taboo topic among PLWHA ( or at least seems to be). Considering that a majority of us acquired the disease through sexual intercourse one would only hope that there would be a little less mental restriction on the subject, but in Nigeria? No way! Even pregnant women are expected to act like virgins here.

Sex is a very important part of the lives of people in this country, both those living with HIV/AIDS and those who are not. It is because of sex that many people refuse to either disclose their status or just refuse to get tested. Naturally, the other peripheral issues pop up like ‘can the illness be treated‘ , ‘will I die from it‘, etc,which are generally already answered by treatment and care, but the main question ‘will I be able to maintain my current lifestyle‘, is not. Lifestyle in this sense really means a carefree, vibrant, sexual life which is usually not a looming possibility when those three letters are confirmed in one’s life. Or maybe I should qualify that; carefree, vibrant sex is not a possibility when a woman is confirmed HIV positive. I will explain.

Before I realised what / who I was as an adult, I was very aware of my sexuality. As a matter of fact, my sexuality was the one thing I knew how to manipulate. The reason for this was the sexual abuse I endured as a child and which I have spoken of in earlier posts. Before I understood its intricacies I had sex because I felt it was the thing to do; I would lie there, silent and quiet so my boyfriend would be happy and like me. I would sometimes cry afterwards-or pretend to-just to indicate/ascertain that I still had a lot of virtue left in me regardless of my knowledge of this act.

When I became more aware, I had sex in exchange for- or as a sign of- love. A barely-existent self esteem ensured that I was always looking for love (read:self-acceptance) in the arms of my lovers, and confusing lust for it. So offering or accepting to have sex was my way of securing that ‘love’, and I learnt to be very good at it, to keep them interested. (It is funny because in retrospect, those are men I would not even give the time of day at this point in time.) Eventually, sex became a very important tool in my relationships to maintain the interest of the partner at that point in time. Which is funny because

In all that time, never once did I have sex because I wanted to, at my own volition, or on my own schedule.

And this is the crux of the matter: Nigerian women (generally) rarely, if ever negotiate sex.

My evolution to overt sexuality, dramatic as it seems, will not be very different from that of the average Nigerian girl. Granted it may not follow the same trajectory and/or lead to the same open-endedness but be assured it usually begins the same way; sexual abuse in childhood that leaves her vulnerable to other partners and searching for answers in, through and with sex. More often than not. Add that to the fact that she is brought up conditioned to satisfy a man’s needs and you have a serious issue on your hands.

My point is that unless women start speaking up for their rights things will never change. And these rights include the right to negotiate and initiate sex. Think about it, a man who is diagnosed HIV+ can still score a wild night of sex with a  strange,smitten girl, no questions asked, primarily because girls are not encouraged to ask questions or to say no. But what is the likelihood that a woman just walks in on a stranger and successfully encourages him to ditch the condom for that night? Many ladies will tell you that they usually have sex despite their misgivings, even when all they wanted was to just talk or cuddle. According to the law, can a man rape his own wife in Nigeria? I don’t think so.How many women carry condoms just in case?  And how many women can go to see their boyfriends and successfully get away with not having sex, if they are not in the mood for it? How many actually even know that they can say ‘no, not today’. Otherwise strong, powerful women become weaklings incapable of determining their reproductive health because of conditioning.

I have a very strong interest in the nuances that lead up to a woman being diagnosed HIV+ in Nigeria. I feel that if we change the conversations we can have less women living with or being vulnerable to the disease. Nigeria is experiencing one of the fastest growing epidemics of HIV/ AIDS in Africa, believe it or not. Unfortunately a large percentage of these people are women. Women empowerment is not just providing women with a source of income and the voice to stand up to an abusive partner. It is also about encouraging young girls to love and respect themselves, and hold their bodies in high esteem. This is not to say, in anyway that only men enjoy sex, but it is to say that the idea to have sex should be a personal, safe decision; as easy as choosing condoms over the morning after pill. I mean forget the morality of it, casual sex or no, your conversations about it should begin with questions about sexual health and in an ideal world be as aware as this article recommends.

Discovering my status was devastating for my identity and I can see now how many ways I fought to pretend to myself that things had not changed. I had learned to wrap myself and my worth around this sexuality and being HIV+ meant that I would have nothing, be nothing. Even less than nothing; I would be avoided and loathed. And even if they do not , you see yourself in the light of sex, as a disease waiting to happen. It explains why a lot of women at the clinic have that oppressed, resigned air and look. If they had children before the diagnosis then their lives are over as far as love is concerned. If not they seek companionship from a pool of equally flawed candidates; men living with the disease as well. Chemistry is not an option except it has to do with the components of ARVs. And God knows what other compromises they have to make sex-wise: don’t do this, only do that. These are the choices that face us, that or risk being insulted over and over when you meet other people and tell them the truth.

But it doesn’t have to be that way for every woman. And it begins with the girls.

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One response »

  1. Reblogged this on A Nigerian – Canadian Renaissance Woman. and commented:
    Very important message. Joie writes in Nigeria, but many of the themes she raises are true of teenage girls here in Canada too. It really should not be an awkward request to ask your partner to get tested…it shouldn’t be difficult for you to know your status either.
    I particularly find the article hyperlinked to be a very important one to share>>http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5039729

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