Sometimes it seems like life is determined to squeeze you of any semblance of happiness or at the very least contentment. “You will be miserable, you will be miserable, you will ALL be miserable!” And what can you do? Suddenly, from an enthusiatic, bright youth, you find yourself a grumpy, disillusioned, unsmiling adult with chronic health issues. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to light you up inside.
This is what I have been fighting my whole life. Even as a child I recognised the expression, the gait, the mien when someone’s inner illumination had dimmed. I never wanted to be that way… But it seems I am losing the battle, if I have not already lost.
I no longer wish to die. I realise how my absence will be dangerous for my daughter. I watched a documentary where a little girl was so badly maltreated by her relatives because she had no one else to stay with. Human beings can be nefarious. However there are things worse than death, and some others that feel like death.
This is a random muse. Recent events necessitated it. I feel so out of balance, so confused. Or maybe it’s because the I haven’t been taking my immune boosters. The doctor actually confessed they were something like placebos and so since I had problems affording it anyway I figured I might just shelve it for a while. (Yeah, I know. It sounds like a bad idea to me too now that I think about it.)
So what’s really the matter, Joie? Everything. I keep trying to stand on my own feet but I keep falling. And it is not that the ground is far, it just (feels like) keeps being snatched from under me. Consequently I find myself afraid to feel happy or excited or hopeful about anything.
This is the adulthood they spoke of?