It’s easy to get so caught up in life and living that you forget to check your bearings. While that attitude of living each day as it comes could have its positive sides it is not exactly an attitude of purpose. I believe we must forge from every day a clearer path to our individual purposes for being alive, on earth. I write this mostly to remind myself of what I have to do because I have been caught up in all the drama around me and been brooding about the future.
I will be the first to admit that I am a bleeding heart; I worry about things and people that are remotely connected to me. Of course, I worry a lot more about those closer to home. Lately, I have had to deal with the so many unresolved issues concerning my work with this company; the bosses are reneging on the ‘gentleman’s agreement ‘ we had, that brought me here, I still live in a room in the office, battling with finances and lack of structure in the office. I had also to deal with the personal issues I spoke of previously (self-inflicted or not). I had to deal with life, and as I read somewhere the problem is that life is so daily.
The thing about HIV is that it becomes like a wife or husband, or son or daughter that you have to attend to constantly. Unfortunately, unlike other illnesses, HIV also determines to a large extent if you will have or be a husband/ wife or a son/ daughter. I think the fact that you have to wrap your whole life around the nuances of a still unpredictable illness is the reason why there is so much fear around it. Sometimes we may try to behave like the illness doesn’t exist ( you know how some people get married but have a secret offspring in the village somewhere, or have affairs as though they are single) but that kind of self-deception comes back to bite you at the worst possible moment. I have been living in the hope that something miraculous occurs that will alter the course of my life, HIV-wise. Maybe it was because of the gentleman I reconnected with and had been seeing for a while, or maybe it was the fear of rocking the boat now that I have a job, I don’t know, but I know that I have tried to live like that diagnosis was never made- and not succeeded.
Today, I re-read my old blog on blogspot and I remembered that I did not come to where I am now; I was brought here. I still have a lot of things that I have been designed to do in relation to HIV and the human angle. My fears that I may never have a relationship with any man and that I am doomed to be alone, that I will have to ‘hold back ‘ from other friends all my life, that I will be tied down to and probably eventually killed by a clinical routine that I have to go through forever, pale in comparison when I read all the things that God has brought me through miraculously, documented on my blog.
On Monday, I will go to LUTH again, for the first time in about 2 years, to start afresh with the diagnosis and treatment of my illness. And I will tell you all about it. So help me God