Today was the last day of my old contract with my company. Since they have said nothing in relation to my demands, nor sent me a new contract, I shall have to stay back home until they do. But I trust in God; I have prayed about this and I am not going on the wrong path. Dolf dropped me off at work, today. I know I seemed a bit distracted and quiet but he did not notice because his mind was on his own itinenary. I mentioned to him about this being my last day and he said to sort it out with them and let him know. But these days, there’s no time to talk to him anymore.
I realised today what it was I liked about having Dolf around, the way he was, then. I appreciated the fact that he saw ME. Not the baby, not the celebrity, ME. He looked into MY eyes and held MY hands and kissed MY lips. He spoke to ME. He wanted to hang out with ME. He was actually the first guy who had seen me in a long while. He would take time out to come take me to work and back home. No guy I’ve ever dated had done that for me. He would kiss me when he picked me up and kiss me when he dropped me off. (I must admit I miss the spontaneous kisses the most; the most obvious portrayal of affection. And I am a kisser, anyway.) Now, since the decision to avoid intimacy, we live on BBmessenger, phone calls and short rides together in the car. I get jealous when he’s out with friends and he calls me to check up on me: I want to hang out too! I just cannot afford the cab fares for leisurely activities. I am not my pregnancy. I am still me, I want to shout. But at the end of the day, who sen’ me message?
My mum says I should ask him to wait for me. I would, if there was anything to wait for. But she, like he, doesn’t know that. She doesn’t know that I can offer him no long-term bliss, no marriage, no children. She doesn’t know that it’s an HIV-infested body that I live in now. That is too much to ask anyone to share.
And especially not my baby. Lord, please protect this child from HIV, please. May he/she be untouched by the virus. In Jesus name.